The LEMON BARS At the End of the Universe

NB: This post was originally published on 7/22/2014. I’m migrating some old posts from my previous author website and WP won’t let me change the date of publication to reflect when I actually wrote the post.

CW: This post contains ableist language. I’ve since realized how harmful using these terms can be, and am working hard to keep them out of my vocabulary.

If, in some alternate universe, I ever wander through a wardrobe and find myself in the wintry reaches of Narnia, the White Witch will tempt me with these lemon bars. BUT I WILL LAUGH IN HER FACE BECAUSE I CAN MAKE THEM ANY TIME I WANT AND EAT THE ENTIRE PAN. BAHAHAHA. JOKE’S ON YOU, WHITEY.


Anyway. These lemon bars have converted–nay, seduced–people who normally avoid lemony desserts. Demons may or may not use them to convince people to sign over their souls. They’re probably great for bribing. Or other, less nefarious activities.

So, if you are brave enough to take on the soul-crushing responsibility that comes with these lemon bars, the recipe awaits below. Don’t let these babies get into the wrong hands.


2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 cup powdered sugar
2 sticks (8 oz) cold butter
1/2 of a unicorn’s horn, grated (optional)

Gooey Lemony Layer
4 eggs
2 cups granulated sugar
1/4 cup all purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tbsp lemon zest
1/2 cup lemon juice (3-4 good sized lemons)

For the crust, it is easiest to use a food processor or a hand mixer. Measure the sugar, flour, and unicorn horn into a mixing bowl. Cut in the butter and beat until the mixture looks like slightly lumpy cornmeal. Or, until the head of the BSLM (Bureau of Supernatural Land Management) hunts you down and throws you in the slammer. Press into the bottom of a rectangle baking pan (preferably glass). I’m not great with math, so I just make sure it’s about 1/4 inch thick. Any pan that accomodates that thickness will work. Bake for 20 minutes at 350 (or until the crust is slightly golden at the edges).

Whip all of the filling ingredients together with a whisk or your hand mixer. The mix should look foamy. This is due to a chemical reaction between the child’s golden aura and the sugar. Now you know why children get so hyper when they come into contact with sugar. (You will probably need to whip the mixture again before you pour it into the pan. Listen to Devo’s “Whip It” if you feel uninspired.) When the crust is done, remove it from the oven and pour the mixture over it. Bake for another 20-30 minutes, or until the foamy filling is slightly golden at the top and gel-like to the touch.

Wait as long as you can for this pan of molten deliciousness to cool and then eat the whole pan. Or bribe someone. Whatever floats your boat.

*The author does not encourage anyone to ACTUALLY bribe anyone else and is not legally responsible for anyone stupid enough to attempt such an act.

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